This evening we had choir practice for an upcoming fall concert at church. (It's Nov. 14 and 16 for anyone who wants to come and it will be casual in the gymnasium). I was rather discouraged this morning. Ben did his usual thing during school...had to have it his way or else and I lost my cool. I called Scott basically just to vent and to tell him I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I was furious with Ben.
Now, for those of you who think my children wear halos on a regular basis, let me clear that up for you! Ben is not your average little 5 year old. I think he has alot of anxiety, he's very smart, very headstrong and strong willed. By 10:00 this morning I was questioning my parenting skills as well as my teaching skills. I was ready to throw his little body into a public school somehwere where other people could deal with his attitude. I was through! Then I realized that Scott was the one who approached me about homeschooling and I was totally against it! So, maybe it's Scott's fault I'm losing my mind! Not hardly...Scott asked me to pray about it and I did and really feel like God changed my heart. Not only did I not think I could do it, but I also wanted to go back to work so we would have more money. By the time I made the decision to do it, I had done a complete turnaround. Not only was I on board with the decision but I was excited about it and had complete peace about it. Even though strange looks from people annoyed me, people's comments didn't even make me flinch at my decision.
So, my question to myself was this...if I believed God changed my heart on the subject, then what was I doing considering an alternative? I also started questioning myself about what to do and how to do it and would I stay sane in the process? I've been talking with Marisa alot about it and she asked me today if we had been praying about it daily. I have to be honest, although Scott and I have both been praying about it, we weren't coming together in unified prayer for our son and how to deal with him on a daily committed basis. I remember the two years we prayed for God to heal us so that we could have children. We didn't close our eyes at night until we had asked God together, unified, for a baby.
So, in the midst of choir practice, I almost lost it! "Why Not Trust God Again?" is one of the songs for the fall concert...
When life seems cruel and so unfair
with each new day it seems a greater problem's waiting there
For each step forward I take, seems I get pushed two steps behind
Don't think I'm gonna make it sometimes
Don't think my nerves can take it this time
When I'm about to call it quits, a solution comes to mind
Why not trust God again?
I know that He can do it
If I pray again, believe again
I know that God will work it for my good again
I know that He will see me through it all
if I trust God again
Is there a mountain standing in Your way?
Is there a loved one you're worried about today?
Is there a blessing you desire that seems intangible?
The God that's seen you through before
He's able, He's still able
I realized, I haven't been trusting God with this. I missed it! The same God that caused Ben to begin to grow inside of me 6 years ago is the same God today. So, I'm committed to praying for that boy. He is extremely special and I know it and I love him so much my heart hurts.
(P.S. The pictures of Ben are from a recent family portrait sitting we had done at Penneys for the church. We went ahead and got a couple of shots of the kids by themselves. I'll post the rest of them later.)
2 comments:
Hey there Jennifer. I read your post earlier, and felt like I had to respond, yet not really sure how to respond either. I promise you that this phase will pass. Remember, I had one really similar to him, who is now a wonderful, compassionate, loving person. He is such a sweet boy and wants to please you, I'm sure. And, you just keep up the good work--you will be rewarded for your diligence. And, he will do just fine. I know I can't understand the whole homeschooling process--I never did that, so all I can say is "hang in there" and do "Trust God again and again"....He is faithful. I sure do love you and your family!!! Take care and don't ever give up. :) **HUGS**
When I started practicing the choir music that same song hit me in the face when I got to it after you had shared your frustration with me, especially after I sort of hinted (or maybe that was flat out stated) to you that you may want to consider enrolling him in public school. After I read through that song the first time it hit me that I had given you a bit of one sided - my version - advice and very possibly not what God intended. I didn't tell you then but I stopped doing the song to cry a little for the quick to judge, bad advice I gave you without giving it prayerful consideration. I just wanted to fix things for you with my "mother heart". Ben is a great boy and I will promise to pray daily for him. I sometimes let the urgency of my day keep me from taking quality time to pray and remember in detail the things that are needful. I love you and support you as well as Scott in your decisions concerning your children.
--Mom
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