Reflection

No pictures this time, just words...

It was at this time 6 years ago I was at work at the law firm...my very last day. I was very large carrying Benjamin, actually 60 pounds heavier, my feet were killing me, I had heartburn every day, I was trying to move to a new house in a new state and I was getting nervous about delivery. I'll never forget going home to mom and dad's that evening because we were in transit while Scott was commuting to Minford every day. I was by myself and I sat down in the big, cushy recliner I had made a bed for a few days because I couldn't comfortably sleep anywhere and thought "I'm unemployed for the first time in 15 years!" That was scary. No longer did I need to get up and get ready for work, no longer did I have my own insurance, and no longer did I have a paycheck with my name on it. That was a scary time for me.

At the same time, I was so excited about the fact I was getting to have the baby I had desired for so long. I still remember the day I took the pregnancy test as well as I remember sitting in the big, cushy recliner. It was the day after Mother's Day...May 13. That Mother's Day had been a real struggle. I had been to the specialist and had my surgery, Scott had been to the doctor and everything was fine. I knew that financially we couldn't do much more that wouldn't be covered by insurance. At this point, it was up to God. I went to my grandmother's in Kentucky that weekend so I could kind of be by myself on Mother's Day. I realized that if I didn't get pregnant within the next several months by God's grace that I would have to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on with life. I had been praying about that since January. Sitting in my living room in the little house in Huntington praying and asking God to start filling my life with other things from Him if children was not His will for my life. Sometimes in the midst of it all, I think I handled all of it wrong, but then there are other times that I realize it was a growing process (one I do not care to live again) and that in growing processes sometimes we take things back on ourselves.

I was by myself when I took the pregnancy test that Monday evening. Scott had gone on a visit to the hospital and I just decided I would take it by myself so I could have a good cry and not subject Scott to the waiting we always went through. When you want to be pregnant, two minutes is an eternity, especially after you have taken approximately 30 tests in hope. When I went back into the bathroom and noticed two lines I screamed...literally...and praised God in the midst of those screams telling Him "thank you". I was shaking from the inside out and couldn't get in touch with Scott...his cell phone was off. So, I called Dad and Mom. I freaked dad out a little bit until he handed the phone to mom.

So, by God's grace, He planted Benjamin in my womb. The specialist told me he came from my left ovary. Just a little tidbit that most women don't get to know. I have so many memories of that time. Just the sheer utter enjoyment knowing I was pregnant but at the same time feeling guilty that the other women who struggled with infertility had not been "successful" that month. I also remember forgetting that I was pregnant and then reality would hit and I would tell myself "Dummy, you ARE pregnant". Hard to believe I would forget! Now, here I am 6 years later, waiting for Benjamin's sixth birthday. Time has flown. Originally, Scott and I wanted 4 kids but we have kind of decided not to have the 4. Not only would having more throw my RA into fits but I'm not real sure I could even get pregnant again because I feel the same that I did before I had surgery, truthfully I feel like the endo. is worse. But I am so thankful for the two God has given me.

I just hope this year I can show them a little more Jesus and a little less of myself. Before I had them, sometimes I could blind myself. But now that I know I have two sets of little eyes watching me, it has become apparent to me how I really am. I think about these things every first of the year because I had Ben at the first of 2003 and I am always preparing for a little celebration of his life and it brings up all sorts of memories. I may not have my own insurance or my own paycheck but I get plenty of hugs and kisses and snuggle time. Worth more than any amount of money!

My heart will always break for the women who would be such great moms but cannot for one reason or another. I fight tears anytime I hear of women with that struggle and sometimes I don't fight them, I cry for them, because I remember that roller coaster all too well! May God use me in the lives of other women...that's what I would love more than anything. I just have to move myself out of the way!!!!!