I Couldn't Sleep...

I was lying in bed...awake again! My "roomy" or "rheumy" was making me ache and I couldn't go back to sleep... Three A.M. is not a good time for me to be wide awake, especially when the snow day I dreamed of having is probably not going to be! While lying there, I was thinking on the verses I was reviewing earlier in the day. I started leading a Bible Study at church--so not my strength--and we are doing "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. Now, 6 or 7 years ago, sometimes I cringed when women started talking about Beth Moore, only because I was always skeptical of the latest "fad"....I know, I know she's been around alot longer than that probably, but that's when I first started hearing about her. But now that I have started reading some of her stuff, I really do enjoy her. This book about the pit has caused me to stop and think about how easily we can slip into a pit. Casting Crowns has a song called "It's A Slow Fade" and it's really just about how we can slip into a pit. It starts out with something small...a glance at a man or a woman (not our spouse), taking prescription pain medicine, a business deal, late nights up by yourself on the internet, a wrong relationship...then we we end up in a place we didn't mean to be.

My personal pit, or I guess one of them, that I can easily slip into is that of anxiety and worry. It's very easy for me to work myself into uncontrollable anxiety, and don't you know that my enemy wants nothing better to make me defenseless. I have lots of "thinking" time on my hands usually. Even though my life is chaotic with my two little ones and homeschooling while watching two more little ones and it leaves my body physically exhausted, my mind has lots of time to dwell on things! So how do I fight my pit? Beth Moore brought out a verse in II Corinthians 10. Verse three says "For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh". I decided to read on in my Bible where verse four says "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds." At first, this made me think of spiritual warfare. Don't misunderstand me. I fully and wholeheartedly believe in the truest sense of spiritual warfare. I think the enemy infiltrates our mind with thoughts, sometimes to the point of being rendered useless. However, (and please know I am not a Bible scholar) a commentary Scott gave me noted that the weapons Paul referred to are the weapons of the word and prayer. Hmmm...those two things do combat spiritual warfare. Those are our divine weapons. By filling our minds with thoughts of God's word and prayer, the enemy can't have the foothold in my life of anxiety and worry.

This now leads me to my next pit. I came to the conclusion last week that I was trying to be super woman and I'm not sure that God has called me to be super woman. He has called me to be at His feet, waiting upon Him. I tend to get myself very busy...working for Him, of course. This pit of being busy, as far as I'm concerned is so dangerous for me. I get so busy trying to be the primary caretaker of my kids (not that Scott is not a great dad, please don't get me wrong), homeschooling my two while watching two others and then trying to be a servant and fill areas at church, that I get myself into a pit. It takes a week of being sick and dog tired to realize that maybe I'm trying to do too much. God has given me these little lives who are dependent on me, as I try to teach them independence, and I can't let myself fall short here. I have to back down and know that I have boundaries and limits physically. Another shortcoming of allowing myself to be busy is not having time for the above-mentioned "divine power". I don't dwell on the Word and prayer as much...I don't have time to sit down and read...my mind is still working furiously, which then leads to anxiety and worry. I don't have time to fill it with the things of God.

All this said, I think my two pits work hand in hand. Without the Word we can't combat untruth. We can't combat the second glances, the pain medication (one that scares me personally having RA), the screen that pops up on our computer late at night, the anxiety and the worry, the legalism of today's church that screams we have to do something to help God out, getting too busy, and the list could go on and on. We are so feeble without God's empowerment in our lives. My lips always said that, but I think my heart truly believes it now. Christianity has become so much more for than what I wear or what I do...it's a heart matter. I can "look" like the best form of a Christian and conform myself in a wrong way to being a "proper" Pastor's wife, but at the root of it all is my heart. Titus calls us "a people for His own possession" (ESV). Do I allow my heart to be possessed by Him? Is my heart fully yielded to Him in what I do and give...I have come to the realization that I don't do to please God, I do because I love God. But if my doing becomes an idol or pit in my life, God is not glorified. My "divine power" that I have at my fingertips is not being utilized to it's fullest potential.

Still awake...but I'm sure you are tired of my rambling, I'll stop now!