Two very important questions...

Both from my sweet girl, Anna Kate...

Mommy, will God send Satan to the fire house?

Daddy, how do dolphins scratch their itch?

I Couldn't Sleep...

I was lying in bed...awake again! My "roomy" or "rheumy" was making me ache and I couldn't go back to sleep... Three A.M. is not a good time for me to be wide awake, especially when the snow day I dreamed of having is probably not going to be! While lying there, I was thinking on the verses I was reviewing earlier in the day. I started leading a Bible Study at church--so not my strength--and we are doing "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. Now, 6 or 7 years ago, sometimes I cringed when women started talking about Beth Moore, only because I was always skeptical of the latest "fad"....I know, I know she's been around alot longer than that probably, but that's when I first started hearing about her. But now that I have started reading some of her stuff, I really do enjoy her. This book about the pit has caused me to stop and think about how easily we can slip into a pit. Casting Crowns has a song called "It's A Slow Fade" and it's really just about how we can slip into a pit. It starts out with something small...a glance at a man or a woman (not our spouse), taking prescription pain medicine, a business deal, late nights up by yourself on the internet, a wrong relationship...then we we end up in a place we didn't mean to be.

My personal pit, or I guess one of them, that I can easily slip into is that of anxiety and worry. It's very easy for me to work myself into uncontrollable anxiety, and don't you know that my enemy wants nothing better to make me defenseless. I have lots of "thinking" time on my hands usually. Even though my life is chaotic with my two little ones and homeschooling while watching two more little ones and it leaves my body physically exhausted, my mind has lots of time to dwell on things! So how do I fight my pit? Beth Moore brought out a verse in II Corinthians 10. Verse three says "For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh". I decided to read on in my Bible where verse four says "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds." At first, this made me think of spiritual warfare. Don't misunderstand me. I fully and wholeheartedly believe in the truest sense of spiritual warfare. I think the enemy infiltrates our mind with thoughts, sometimes to the point of being rendered useless. However, (and please know I am not a Bible scholar) a commentary Scott gave me noted that the weapons Paul referred to are the weapons of the word and prayer. Hmmm...those two things do combat spiritual warfare. Those are our divine weapons. By filling our minds with thoughts of God's word and prayer, the enemy can't have the foothold in my life of anxiety and worry.

This now leads me to my next pit. I came to the conclusion last week that I was trying to be super woman and I'm not sure that God has called me to be super woman. He has called me to be at His feet, waiting upon Him. I tend to get myself very busy...working for Him, of course. This pit of being busy, as far as I'm concerned is so dangerous for me. I get so busy trying to be the primary caretaker of my kids (not that Scott is not a great dad, please don't get me wrong), homeschooling my two while watching two others and then trying to be a servant and fill areas at church, that I get myself into a pit. It takes a week of being sick and dog tired to realize that maybe I'm trying to do too much. God has given me these little lives who are dependent on me, as I try to teach them independence, and I can't let myself fall short here. I have to back down and know that I have boundaries and limits physically. Another shortcoming of allowing myself to be busy is not having time for the above-mentioned "divine power". I don't dwell on the Word and prayer as much...I don't have time to sit down and read...my mind is still working furiously, which then leads to anxiety and worry. I don't have time to fill it with the things of God.

All this said, I think my two pits work hand in hand. Without the Word we can't combat untruth. We can't combat the second glances, the pain medication (one that scares me personally having RA), the screen that pops up on our computer late at night, the anxiety and the worry, the legalism of today's church that screams we have to do something to help God out, getting too busy, and the list could go on and on. We are so feeble without God's empowerment in our lives. My lips always said that, but I think my heart truly believes it now. Christianity has become so much more for than what I wear or what I do...it's a heart matter. I can "look" like the best form of a Christian and conform myself in a wrong way to being a "proper" Pastor's wife, but at the root of it all is my heart. Titus calls us "a people for His own possession" (ESV). Do I allow my heart to be possessed by Him? Is my heart fully yielded to Him in what I do and give...I have come to the realization that I don't do to please God, I do because I love God. But if my doing becomes an idol or pit in my life, God is not glorified. My "divine power" that I have at my fingertips is not being utilized to it's fullest potential.

Still awake...but I'm sure you are tired of my rambling, I'll stop now!

My Basketball Star

Well, my pictures are backwards but you'll get the point. Ben played his first basketball game today. He was absolutely adorable and my heart melted the minute he put on his little uniform. I had to bribe him to play, but now that he has started he really likes it. It helps that his dad is his assistant coach. I don't get how Scott wears so many hats, but he gets it done. Sidenote: Have I mentioned to anyone that he won't be wearing the hat undergrad anymore after May? Woohoo!!!!

Okay, so back to basketball! You'll see two of my favorite men, or actually, three of my favorite men above. My dad is standing just to the left with his camera. Notice Ben's hands! This was the only one I could get like this because people kept getting in the way. Every time the announcer would start counting down to the buzzer, Ben would stop in his tracks and cover his ears with his hands. It was quite humorous to watch! Never mind that last shot...the buzzer is loud!

Here is my favorite shot for the day. He was a little nervous and I figured he just needed one last hug of reassurance from his assistant coach a.k.a. "dad". Scott told me later that he was informing him that he needed to go and play instead of just stand there because he was nervous.

He had just been thrown the ball here. He missed it...actually, Ben didn't catch very many and he tried to give the other team a basket twice, but eventually he'll get it. Chris and Marisa gave us a hoop for our driveway and we go out and practice every chance we get.

If you look real close to the left of the picture, behind the white line, you can see Ben. They have them run through a tunnel with a bunch of smoke. It doesn't do much for pictures but the effect is fun at the game...that with the rock-n-roll loudly playing in the background. It's something like "Who Let the Dogs Out?" I can't remember...

This is not some picture of a random man but the team huddled. The man just happened to walk through as I flashed the picture. Do you see Ben there with his hand raised? He's adorable!

This was before we left for the game this morning. I had to get a shot of him in his uniform with his basketball. I love it that he and Scott have this to do together, and me for that matter. I had to laugh at myself on Saturday...so not the sportsy outdoorsy person...it was so pretty that we took the kids bike riding and we also "played" basketball. It won't be long until Ben actually dribbles and runs at the same time better than I do...but let's just let him think his 'ole mom is a star!!!! He'll find out differently soon enough, I'm afraid!

Well, the last picture is, of course, one of him role playing. He told me he was "calming the team down" here. And I quote "Just calm down guys, calm down!"

Anna Kate

I made a big deal about the inauguration with my kids. We watched it as part of a school assignment and we talked about the importance. Anna Kate was very serious about it all day. When we went to bed she asked seriously:

"Mommy, when is Mario going to be President?

Maybe the combo of the Nintendo DS and the inauguration was a bit much for her to handle.

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After her daddy got home last night, she asked "You know what I wanna do in the morning?" We asked her what and she replied "Giggle".

A Date

Scott took some time this morning and took Anna Kate to her ballet class...by himself and then is taking her to lunch at Bob Evans so that she can get those "orange triangle things" a.k.a cantaloupe (sp?). Kind of like a date...so I fixed her hair all pretty and said, "Now, Anna Kate, go ask your daddy if he thinks this is okay." Here was their conversation...

Anna Kate: How does this look?

Daddy: Beautiful! How was it supposed to look?

Anna Kate: Beautiful...

Daddy: Then we hit the mark!

Anna Kate: Totally!!!

She's such a teenager already!

My kids are on a roll!

I was doing Ben's schoolwork with him and going over his states. Let me brag for just a minute...he knows 46 of them and can point them out on an unmarked map and give me the names for them.

I pointed out where Washington D.C. is and he said "oh, I know what that is. It's our capital." I told him that in a year or so we would take a field trip there to let him see it in person. He then said "Yeah, and when we go to the President's white house, I need to act very formal".

Never a dull moment!

I walked past Anna Kate and she was holding Woody and Jesse from Toy Story nose to nose. She didn't realize I was watching her and I asked "Anna Kate, what are you doing?" She got a silly grin and looked mischeviously at me and said "He's eating her nose".

I'm sure her daddy will run with that thought in hopes that she thinks that's what kissing is when she turns sixteen...maybe then she won't have any part of it.

Good luck with that daddy!!!!!

Spanish Anyone?

Ben is learning Spanish this year and I'm planning on catching Anna Kate up with him this summer when I don't have the extra kids.

She's pretty excited about that and tries to speak in Spanish now which brought about the following conversation at lunch:

Anna Kate: "Mommy is codo se lala a word in Spanish?"

Me: Um...I don't think so sweetie.

Ben: Uh, babee, it's not even a word in English!!!

He gets very exasperated when his little sister "tries" to speak in Spanish...

The Many Faces of Ben

We all know that Ben loves to role play. Here are a few of the characters he becomes...

Pac-Man...

Tails...

Sonic...

Knuckles...

My boy...he's a kid of many faces!

Reflection

No pictures this time, just words...

It was at this time 6 years ago I was at work at the law firm...my very last day. I was very large carrying Benjamin, actually 60 pounds heavier, my feet were killing me, I had heartburn every day, I was trying to move to a new house in a new state and I was getting nervous about delivery. I'll never forget going home to mom and dad's that evening because we were in transit while Scott was commuting to Minford every day. I was by myself and I sat down in the big, cushy recliner I had made a bed for a few days because I couldn't comfortably sleep anywhere and thought "I'm unemployed for the first time in 15 years!" That was scary. No longer did I need to get up and get ready for work, no longer did I have my own insurance, and no longer did I have a paycheck with my name on it. That was a scary time for me.

At the same time, I was so excited about the fact I was getting to have the baby I had desired for so long. I still remember the day I took the pregnancy test as well as I remember sitting in the big, cushy recliner. It was the day after Mother's Day...May 13. That Mother's Day had been a real struggle. I had been to the specialist and had my surgery, Scott had been to the doctor and everything was fine. I knew that financially we couldn't do much more that wouldn't be covered by insurance. At this point, it was up to God. I went to my grandmother's in Kentucky that weekend so I could kind of be by myself on Mother's Day. I realized that if I didn't get pregnant within the next several months by God's grace that I would have to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on with life. I had been praying about that since January. Sitting in my living room in the little house in Huntington praying and asking God to start filling my life with other things from Him if children was not His will for my life. Sometimes in the midst of it all, I think I handled all of it wrong, but then there are other times that I realize it was a growing process (one I do not care to live again) and that in growing processes sometimes we take things back on ourselves.

I was by myself when I took the pregnancy test that Monday evening. Scott had gone on a visit to the hospital and I just decided I would take it by myself so I could have a good cry and not subject Scott to the waiting we always went through. When you want to be pregnant, two minutes is an eternity, especially after you have taken approximately 30 tests in hope. When I went back into the bathroom and noticed two lines I screamed...literally...and praised God in the midst of those screams telling Him "thank you". I was shaking from the inside out and couldn't get in touch with Scott...his cell phone was off. So, I called Dad and Mom. I freaked dad out a little bit until he handed the phone to mom.

So, by God's grace, He planted Benjamin in my womb. The specialist told me he came from my left ovary. Just a little tidbit that most women don't get to know. I have so many memories of that time. Just the sheer utter enjoyment knowing I was pregnant but at the same time feeling guilty that the other women who struggled with infertility had not been "successful" that month. I also remember forgetting that I was pregnant and then reality would hit and I would tell myself "Dummy, you ARE pregnant". Hard to believe I would forget! Now, here I am 6 years later, waiting for Benjamin's sixth birthday. Time has flown. Originally, Scott and I wanted 4 kids but we have kind of decided not to have the 4. Not only would having more throw my RA into fits but I'm not real sure I could even get pregnant again because I feel the same that I did before I had surgery, truthfully I feel like the endo. is worse. But I am so thankful for the two God has given me.

I just hope this year I can show them a little more Jesus and a little less of myself. Before I had them, sometimes I could blind myself. But now that I know I have two sets of little eyes watching me, it has become apparent to me how I really am. I think about these things every first of the year because I had Ben at the first of 2003 and I am always preparing for a little celebration of his life and it brings up all sorts of memories. I may not have my own insurance or my own paycheck but I get plenty of hugs and kisses and snuggle time. Worth more than any amount of money!

My heart will always break for the women who would be such great moms but cannot for one reason or another. I fight tears anytime I hear of women with that struggle and sometimes I don't fight them, I cry for them, because I remember that roller coaster all too well! May God use me in the lives of other women...that's what I would love more than anything. I just have to move myself out of the way!!!!!